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Bin Laden Liked Animal Porn, Craved Miami Condo, Pork Rinds

That haul of secret computers, disks and videos from the Abbottabad compound of Osama Bin Laden has begun to yield substantial intelligence, according to highly-reliable sources in Washington.

“When the full story gets out the public will be amazed,” said one official who cannot be identified. “We were shocked, just shocked, at what we found. It turns out that Bin Laden had more vices than a hardware store.”

Vices

“Truth is, we haven’t told the whole story. Yes, it’s correct that Bin Laden had a porn collection. What’s not been disclosed is that the porn involved well, er, animals. It seems that we can now explain why a large number of sheep within a three-mile radius of his compound were missing. Let’s just say they weren’t stolen for their wool.”

Among other items found in the compound were a large supply of fast foods. Another source explained that “we always thought we were chasing a tall, thin guy, someone hardened by years of living in a cave. Wrong, so wrong. Bin Laden had more fast food stashed at his place than any convenience store west of Hong Kong. There were at least 22 cases of pork rinds. In one video we have him describing plans to finance a chain of European smoking parlors that would feature Buffalo wings and sausage balls.”

Retirement

Bin Laden also had an interest in retirement real estate.

“The guy had a dozen real estate news guides to Miami. He apparently was shopping for a two-bedroom condo, something along the beach with easy access to schools, shopping and fertilizer. The problem was that all of his guides were from 2006 so he thought he had been priced out of the market. On one thumbnail drive he complained to his broker that real estate prices in Miami were so high he might have to consider Orlando.”

Oh, and one other thing said the official, “he wanted to be near a deli, someplace where he could get lean corned beef or a nicely-toasted bagel with a smear.”

Successor

On the matter of succession, Bin Laden reportedly was not thrilled with his heir apparent, Ayman Al- Zahiri, the Egyptian doctor.

“Al-Zahiri is great with feet, a top bunion man,” Bin Laden reportedly said on one tape. “But leadership? Are you kidding? The guy isn’t hiding from the Americans, he’s lost. No sense of direction. He turned right at that rock south of Kabul and we didn’t hear from him for six months. Let me tell you, the rank-and-file were not impressed when they found out he’d been living with a yeti in the high Himalayas. It was good for him though, he lost 40 pounds and they made a nice-looking couple.”

Asked if officials were selectively releasing information from the Bin Laden computer files and videos merely to sully the reputation of the Al-Qaida leader, one replied: “Who us? Why who would ever think of such a thing? Want another pork rind?”

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